Avoidant? Autistic? Or just a jerk?
Woke up, grabbed my coffee, and set about reading the latest posts from my various relationship focused social media groups. The first was from a woman complaining that her husband, who believes he has Asperger’s, frequently punches her and then denies it ever happened. Her question — is it “normal” for a neurodiverse partner to actually forget having done acts they later come to regret? The responses were rife with people telling this woman that it is up to her to determine what triggers her husband and stop those behaviors because, as a “neurodivergent,” he cannot possibly be held accountable for such actions. He can’t control himself. He is the victim. You must have triggered him.
Another asked for advice because her needs are not being met in her relationship. Her boyfriend, who believes himself to be autistic, has no interest in connecting with her and instead shuts himself in a room with a video game for 10 hours a day or more. The responses are all telling her to seek therapy to learn how to satisfy her own needs for connection, become more independent and less needy of his attention, because autistic people need their alone time and cannot be expected to go outside their comfort zone to satisfy the needs of their partners. “You wouldn’t expect a diabetic person to miraculously be able to handle sugar, would you?” they chastise.
It’s uncanny to me how being “on the spectrum” has suddenly become a valid excuse for domestic abuse or neglect. For the record, I don’t believe these behaviors have anything to do with autism. I don’t believe that all these people are even on the spectrum — they’ve just managed to find the excuse that allows them to continue their adolescent and abusive behavior and gaslight their partners.
In another group, for folks with insecure attachment styles, a man with anxious attachment is seeking advice how to handle his anxiety because his avoidant girlfriend has booked a weekend away with her friends without telling him. When asked why she felt it necessary to do this, she cited the need to have space from her partner because he demands too much of her emotionally by his constant bids to “connect.” At first he was able to accept her need to shut down and take space from him — this group had taught him that’s what avoidant’s do when their nervous system is overstimulated by the anxious partner’s need for reassurance and connection. He had followed the overwhelming advice from those in the group identifying as “avoidant attachers” to focus his energy on regulating his own nervous system around the anxiety rather than seeking comfort from his partner.
Then he found out that a coworker whose flirtations with his girlfriend have been a source of argument would be going on the trip as well. He reached out to his girlfriend for reassurance that nothing is going on between she and this coworker, and that she was still invested in the relationship with him. She responded that his validation-seeking and questioning was the reason why she needed to take space, and if anything did happen, it would be his fault because he is too needy and is pushing her away. Now he is seeking advice from the group how to “fix” what he has done — is it too late to make up for his unacceptable behavior and stop her from falling into the arms of this apparently less “needy” man? The overwhelming response was to attack this poster for being too clingy for his need to seek validation outside himself. “Love yourself first,” “live your life,” “seek therapy to learn how to self-regulate and not need validation from your partner!”
These groups are filled with lectures toward those with anxious attachment about how their needs are unrealistic and invalid, and how they are driving their avoidant partners away and need to learn how to respond to them better so as not to trigger their need for space. And the way to respond better? Give them space; don’t ask for anything; don’t expect your needs to be fulfilled by them.
Wait, wtf? What is a relationship if not a source for fulfillment of relationship needs? And what are those needs that should be fulfilled in a relationship if not mutual validation, emotional support, bonding, and connection? Without all of those, it’s just sex. And all these “coaches” and “relationship advice groups” spouting gospel about “accepting” the limitations of the “neurodiverse” and “avoidant attachment” are really just manipulating us to accept abusive behaviors by men and women apparently too selfish and callous to contribute anything but sex to a partnership. And sometimes, not even that.
Autism doesn’t make you a jerk. It may make certain thoughts and feelings of another seem foreign and confusing, but the choice to respond to that confusion by ignoring the other person and expecting them to find ways to meet all their needs without you, is, I would argue, not a trait of being on the spectrum. It is the choice of a selfish person to use a diagnosis or label as an excuse to be a self-absorbed toddler rather than an empathetic adult.
Having an avoidant attachment does not make it acceptable to require that your partner do all the emotional labor in a relationship and fulfill all your needs while not receiving any reciprocation at all. It is the choice of a selfish person to use a diagnosis or label as an excuse to be a self-absorbed toddler rather than an empathetic adult.
Those with anxious attachment may sometimes be overly needy, and learning to meet in the middle is important for all parties in a relationship. I focus on the avoidant in this article because that is where I see more of the advice to change your needs vs changing behaviors. When avoidants ask for advice how to repair a situation caused by their shutting down against the neediness of the anxious partner in these groups… oh wait, they never do. I have literally never seen a single post in any of these groups from someone claiming avoidant attachment and wanting to know how to better support their partner’s need for connection. It’s always anxious attachers asking how to communicate with their avoidant partner such that they don’t trigger them with their need for validation and connection. Food for thought.
