If he wanted to, he would…Would he? Really?

The modern “rules” of dating are full of mixed and confusing messages. Everywhere you look, someone has something to say about how fast you should reply, how long your first date should be, what you should and should not be willing to accept, who should message first, and the list goes on. By listening to self-professed relationship “experts,” are we setting ourselves up for failure?

No one can love you if you don’t love yourself first

Oh great — convince people who have trouble seeing their own worth that they’re basically worthless precisely because they have trouble seeing their own worth. And that no one will love them until and unless they can overcome this problem. Great message there.

Solution: how about just telling people they are worthy of love, even when they don’t feel capable of giving that love to themselves. Sometimes the love and acknowledgment of another is precisely the little push someone needs to rekindle their own sense of self-worth. Don’t deny people that by convincing them that it is itself a weakness and sign of unworthiness.

If he/she wanted to, he/she would.

Ok, this one is usually used against guys, which makes it that much more preposterous. Apparently, men are expected to show their interest, where women are not? That’s a whole other issue, so let’s look at this one standalone.

So, I want to spend time with my boyfriend, but I’m waiting for him to reach out to me because, “if he wanted to, he would.” And I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of being the one to make the first move and find out he really didn’t want to and that’s why he wasn’t. And my boyfriend? He’s over there wanting to spend time with me but fearing that my lack of showing interest indicates I am not interested. If I wanted to, I would, right? He’s scared of rejection. He’s scared of being the one to make the first move and find out I really didn’t want to and that’s why I haven’t.

Solution: How about if we all just admitted to each other what we actually want without all the games and just, ya know, go ahead and spend time with each other. And if faced with rejection, acknowledge we aren’t a good fit and be thankful we were up front early enough to find that out before wasting years playing a game of chicken?

Women stay in your feminine, men want to pursue.

Ok, what? I mean sure, don’t stalk the dude, but god damn the mixed signals we give men these days. If they don’t show interest, they’re “in their feminine” - and god knows we want a masculine man who is going to take the reins and “lead” the relationship. Unless we don’t happen to be interested in them back, in which case them taking the reins, trying to lead, and being “in their masculine” is controlling red flag behavior at best.

There are soooo many rules being sold to women by these so-called “relationship experts,” that I fear are just creating a chaos of confusion and resentment between the genders. Don’t be the first one to reach out — EVER. Don’t offer to split the bill and for god’s sake don’t pay for him — EVER. If he doesn’t immediately schedule a date, block him. If he involves you in the decision where the date should take place, he’s not “leading” so is “in his feminine” and not worth your time. If he doesn’t reach out daily, regardless of the fact you never reach out at all, block him. And yet, we want equality in a relationship and not to be controlled. And we wonder why the dating pool is made up half of guys who are “not looking for anything serious,” and half of narcissistic controlling jerks (and some who share both traits, of course). I mean, we’re kind of setting them up for an uphill battle followed by failure any way they play it. Maybe they don’t want any expectations because the expectations we put on them are preposterous.

Solution: how about men and women share responsibility for expressing interest and “co-lead” the relationship, instead of leaving all the onus on one side to guide the direction of an entire relationship. Because, if you’re the one doing all the initiating, showing all the interest, doing all the work in a relationship — then yeah, it’s time to move on, whether you happen to be male or female.

Only you can satisfy your needs — it’s unhealthy to require a partner to satisfy your needs

Wtf is a relationship about if not two people satisfying each other’s needs for emotional and mental connection, security, and of course sex? And yes, sure, it’s important to be secure and happy with oneself, but humans are a species reliant on cooperation to survive. It is literally our nature to depend on one another for the satisfaction of certain needs. It begins with our parents, who we literally must depend on to fulfill our basic survival needs. And yes, those survival needs include emotional support and mental stimulation. This reliance on the other doesn’t end when we grow up — it gets transferred to our partner, friends, community, etc. Since literally the beginning of time. Or at least the beginning of the existence of the homo sapiens species, which was about 300,000 years ago, so yeah. It’s pretty entrenched in our DNA, folks. It’s, like, the center of the pyramid. People forced into isolation go insane for a reason. Because we require each other to satisfy our basic needs.

Solution: Avoid “love coaches” and “relationship experts” all together. At the end of the day, most of these people claiming to be love and relationship experts, are just looking to make a quick buck off of whatever trauma you’ve experienced due to your natural instinct to want to connect with another human being. Instincts are hard to subjugate. It takes years of retraining to change something that is woven into our very DNA — if it’s even possible at all. If they convince you that the problem is that natural instinct itself, there is no end to the amount of money they can make “reprogramming” you.

Instead of paying these people to turn you into an automaton who doesn’t require human connection — basically, a narcissist — consider trusting your own gut and managing your relationships from within the seat of your own soul. And if you are having trouble with your sense of self-worth, choosing a partner that is good for you and maintaining a healthy secure relationship, consider seeking out a trained therapist instead. You’ll get much better results, I assure you.