Is s/he a narcissist or are we just “triggered”?
People who have been raised by narcissistic parents, or who have been in trauma-bonded relationship(s) with narcissist(s), are left with a confusing combination of instincts. On one hand, we are hyper-tuned to the signs of narcissistic and manipulative behavior. On the other hand, we have been trained not to respond to those signs in the ways that would protect us and our boundaries.
We can inadvertently push away people when we recognize a behavior that correlates to a trigger from our past — even when the behavior was really innocent. At least until our “training” kicks in and we begin to second-guess ourselves, question if we are reacting to actual red flags or are just being “triggered” by past trauma, and then overcompensate and allow abusive behavior from others because we have convinced ourselves we are just “over reacting.” Yeah, it’s fun lol.
Recovering from this kind of trauma-induced behavior requires gaining the tools to recognize these triggers, and determine whether the triggering behavior really represents signs of a narcissist, or the result of our own nervous system responding to past trauma. Here are a few signs to help differentiate, using my own experiences as examples.
The stalker dude
I went on a few dates with this guy from a dating app. The red flags started at the first date. I recognized them, but I wasn’t so great at acknowledging and acting on them back then. I still doubted my instincts. So I went on a second date. And a third.
The first sign was a clear boundary violation on the very first date — he hugged me immediately. Before I had even introduced myself. My body instantly recoiled — I could FEEL his energy attempting to disarm me. Like, I don’t even know you, dude — do not touch my person without permission.
He then made a comment on how I had clearly dressed up and wore makeup specifically to impress him.
Red Flag #1: Boundary violation with the uninvited hug when he was a stranger.
Red Flag #2: Already starting to “groom” me to present myself a certain way for him.
I was uncomfortable, so cut the date short after a 20 minute coffee. He insisted on walking me to my car, despite my protests. He followed me. And then hurried to my side and took my hand so we were walking hand in hand like we were already lovers.
Red flag #3: Boundaries again. Creepy stalker-level boundary violations. Like, ew.
I had very recently started therapy and this actually tuned out to be great practice for recognizing such red flags and setting and maintaining boundaries. I mustered by courage, pulled my hand out of his, and stepped aside to create more space between us.
He noticed.
“Too soon?” He asked.
“Yes, I don’t know you,” I responded firmly.
He nodded and then mumbled something about how he understood that women necessarily have to be cautious, but “I swear I’m not an ax murderer.” The last part was stated in a distinctly sarcastic tone, with a hint that he was offended I did not immediately trust him unconditionally.
Red flag #4: Lots of boundary testing going on here.
Red flag #5: Conditioning through stilted acknowledgement. He “understands” — but I’m still being unreasonable.
I escaped unscathed, but he had my cellphone number from our first chats. Another lesson learned — never give a stranger your real contact info. Use the apps to communicate or set up a virtual phone number. He kept texting and calling me and wanting to talk on the phone. Despite my discomfort, I acquiesced to a few of these phone calls.
He was looking for a new apartment and every single phone call he would present me with his latest findings and ask me to help him with every decision. He turned me into his partner, running every detail by me and asking my advice — then going silent until I would offer something, despite my not wanting to be involved in his living arrangement decisions. He would throw in comments alluding to a future between us and hence the importance of my choosing his apartment for him.
Red flag #6: Making you responsible for their decisions is an often overlooked habit of some narcissistic types. The uncomfortable silences full of the expectation that you must respond with a solution is a control mechanism and a way to embroil you in their decisions, making you somehow responsible for their choices.
Red flag #7: Textbook future faking by giving the impression I was part of his future — whether I wanted to be or not.
Red flag #8: Creating a false sense of intimacy is tactic to disarm and force vulnerability.
I questioned my instincts. I had convinced myself that previous experiences with narcissists had made me closed off to intimacy and I needed to learn to trust. So I went on a second date with him. On this date, he put his jacket around my shoulders uninvited, showed me pics of an apartment he was considering renting and made comments about areas of it being “great for sex”, and again took my hand as I was trying to escape to my car. Then he forced a hug on me again. I pushed him away and told him he was crossing lines. He told me I am “too jumpy”. I don’t even need to tell you all the bad behavior here.
Then the guy started texting and calling me constantly. He would leave voice messages getting more and more agitated that I wasn’t picking up or responding to his texts. He said: “At least let me know you’re alive!” And made derogatory comments about how I “must be doing something incredibly important”.
It was during the work day so I did not respond until after work. When I did text him back, opening with, “I have been busy at work,” he responded: “She lives!”
Red flag #9: Demanding I drop everything to be at his beck and call. Sarcastic response to inspire a feeling of guilt in me for not replying on his timeline.
Red flag #10: Stalker level possessiveness.
Red flag #11: Underhanded derogatory comments rather than clearly stating needs or wants.
Red flag #12: Attempting to make me feel guilty for my boundaries.
And I didn’t even know the guy!
I ended it there — simply texted back that we are not a match and then blocked him everywhere.
If your response to this story is to wonder why on earth I didn’t cut him loose after the first red flag — congratulations, you likely have not been completely conditioned by relationships with narcissists and manipulators. Such conditioning teaches us a lot of wrong things. It teaches us to be on high alert, but to doubt our instincts as most likely being wrong because we are “too sensitive.” It teaches us that we are not allowed to have boundaries and that if we do set them, punishment will ensue. If we have an anxious attachment style, it teaches us to fawn or freeze when something makes us uncomfortable. It even makes us feel that to flee would make us weak, unwilling to commit, and prove we are “emotionally unavailable.” Oh yes, we have been trained well.
So what about the cases that are not so obvious?
The Loner Dude
A friend of mine invited me to join him for an event. I had promised another friend, who was very sick, that I would be available in case she needed me during the same time. So, I let the inviter know that I couldn’t make any definite plans and why. He responded: “I understand. I’m a loner, but I know you have your “gals.” Go ahead and be there for your friend.”
I felt a tinge of guilt. His statement could have been genuine innocent acknowledgment. But, why the comparison? It triggered in me the urge to deny… “But I’m a loner too, I don’t have THAT many friends! My other friend is really sick! I just want to be there for her…”
Possible red flag #1: His saying that he is one way, and I am not that way, felt like an underhanded insult. It doesn’t SOUND like an insult — after all, by society’s standards, having a friend group is more acceptable and celebrated than being a “loner.” But there is that little barb of “negging” there — and this can be a tactic of the covert narcissist, to use seemingly self-deprecating or self-reflective statements to underhandedly instill a sense of guilt and cause one to question oneself.
Or just a trigger? It could just be that this triggered the part of me that was taught that any way in which I was not identical to my narcissist mother meant I was bad or wrong.
The thing that throws us is that there IS an aspect of narcissistic abuse trauma that DOES make us particularly sensitive and in danger of misunderstanding people’s motives. So we learn not to make rash judgments, but this sometimes causes us not to trust our instincts when we should.
So what to do in these cases?
Step back, take a moment, observe other interactions with this person. How do they react when you express boundaries? Do you frequently feel confused about how you feel when in their company? How often do their responses make you feel uncomfortable? Note that I have just one example with “loner dude”, who I’ve known for some time and spent hours at a time with, versus 12 examples of red flags with the stalker acquired in less than an hour of total time together. Pay attention to how many red flags you are receiving.
See, the thing is, my friend may have been exhibiting slightly manipulative behavior and not be a manipulator or narcissist. Something in the way I communicated the info may have triggered him and his response was a defense mechanism to protect his own “loner” status.
In any case, I just said “thanks” and let it go. I did not defend or deny my having my “gals.” There is no need. I am secure in my choices and identity. And perfectly comfortable to allow my friend to be secure in his — loner or not.
