Maddening Behaviors of a Former Narcissistic Lover

As a child of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have repeatedly fallen for the trap of familiarity that attracts us to Narcissists in romantic relationships as well. Sometimes I look back at things I had written when I was in these abusive relationships, and wonder at my inability to clearly see the similarities to what I had endured at home.

These notes are from a relationship that went nowhere fast for 7 years. It was a list of crazy making behaviors that I didn’t understand at the time but have since, through years of therapy, come to realize were the signs of a self-involved control freak with a sense of self that could only survive through the breaking down of another’s sense of self — in this case, mine.

Things I Don’t Understand

Why we are not allowed to “complain.” Every single time he expresses dissatisfaction about something I have done or hints that some need of his is not being fulfilled, he follows it up with, “I am not complaining.” Yes, you are! YOU ARE COMPLAINING! And you know what, that’s ok! It’s ok to complain once in a while. That’s how we make our needs known and get them fulfilled. If you never complain, how can I ever know when I am doing something wrong? And if you DO complain, but refuse to own the complaint, well that’s just slimy.

His insistence that I am always assuming the worst of him. If I misunderstand, ask for clarification, if something happens that I don’t like, I am “always…